Days of Old
One of the things I’ve thought about over the summer is that I only know my marriage to Cam with David in it. Cam and I’ve been married since 1990. I had David and Aaron when I was so young. I was 23 and married two years when I held that first baby boy bundle.
Our early marriage with David in tow takes me back to September strolls in the Niagara region of Ontario. I remember one day an older woman saying to me when she saw I had a son, “Oh, sons love their mothers.” And I took that in. Oh, good. Sons love their mothers. It’s funny the things people say to put a positive spin on things. As if daughters don’t. But I held onto that here and there, as I continued raising my boys.
David was my little traveling buddy. I would sing and talk and hold his hand. His little hands were fleshy and soft, and I’d call them puppy paws. “Oh, I love your little puppy paws, Dav-eed.” He had no idea what I was saying as he gurgled and grinned, eyes twinkling with wonder as we drove in our little Mazda 323 together all around town. All he knew was what he experienced of the soft, hand holding of mother and son. He knew I adored him. He knew his father and I both adored him, and his entry into this world and our marriage added a dimension of color, delight, passion and strength.
And now he’s not here. And I know what you’re thinking: Oh, Nancy, but he is here.
But that doesn’t make me feel better. I know David’s alive and now in the heavenly realms. I know that. And maybe that should be enough. But it’s not. I want him here in the flesh with his now-adult puppy dog paws. I want him to go out for coffee with me at some overpriced café, or drive to the mall with me to grab some sweaters and shabby new jeans as we head into the fall.
I’m sad. I miss my son. I miss him. I don’t know this marriage - and maybe it’s not my marriage, but this thirty-year life we built - apart from David.
Yet, September’s here. Aaron and Rachel are here. Cam and I are here - in the flesh - and are walking into another year of marriage. Another year of life together. A whole new year with a totally new feel.