Well, This is a First

When you are bereaved, you’re repeatedly told the first year is just that: your year of firsts. Today is David’s birthday. His first birthday since his passing. He would turn 29 today. And as I type these words, I’m crying. And I’m full of rage.

See, I KNOW in my head that what we’re sharing in these December devotionals is accurate: God with us. But maybe, just maybe, you feel at times as I do:

God, I’m sorry, but if I’m honest, Your being with me doesn’t quite cut it. 

I know I’m supposed to rest in “God with us.”

I know we’re told that’s supposed to be enough. But in Genesis, the first thing You created that You said was not good, was man being alone. If You were all we needed, Adam would have been satisfied. But You gave Eve to Adam. So yes, we need You, but we also need our people with us. And many of us are missing our people.

I’m hurt and angry this Christmas, this first of my favorite holidays without my darling, David, because I didn’t want you to be only Immanuel: God with us. I wanted you to DO something!

I don’t just want a God who will cry with me and hold me when I’m full of sorrow. I want you to be a warrior! To show us Your parental power and protect us! That’s what I want! 

That’s what I wanted.

This is the first time in my life that these thoughts and acute visceral reactions have emerged from me toward God. Is there anyone - anyone at all - who understands how the main message of Christmas, at times, can just feel so distant, disconnected, almost irrelevant? The very opposite of God came near. 

God seems far.

Because, like me, you’ve had your first serious disappointment with God. Sure, you’ve had others, but you swept them away. You prayed and felt better. You didn’t let yourself go there, but this was too much. So for the first time, you went there. And it scares you.

God? Immanuel? Are you there? Did you really come? 

And will you come again? 

Oh, God, my God, help me know You are here. Help me know in the core of my being, You did do something, are doing something, and will one day, do something quite extraordinary!

But first, right now, just let me know You are really here.

I’m real because God - Oh, I pray - is so real. ~ Nancy

To grow deeper in your relationship with God, get Nancy’s AWAKEN course or Meant to Live book for gifts this season.