Reoriented By Love
This month’s “Can I Be Candid?” is written by Sharon Beattie, a guest contributor for NancyHicksLive.
“FOR I AM ABOUT TO DO SOMETHING NEW. SEE, I HAVE ALREADY BEGUN! DO YOU NOT SEE IT? I WILL MAKE A PATHWAY THROUGH THE WILDERNESS. I WILL CREATE RIVERS IN THE DRY WASTELAND.”
-ISAIAH 43:19
The events of the last three years of my life have disoriented me significantly:
A profound sense of loss when our daughter moved to Australia permanently;
Feeling adrift when homeschooling five children ended after 20 years;
Anger and despair when our son’s friend was murdered and when another dear friend’s son died of cancer;
Anguish when our daughter had to separate from their husband;
Anxiety over my mom’s recent cancer diagnosis.
Some struggles arose out of natural life transitions, but others felt tangibly evil. I felt like the usual charismatic prayers for healing were a farce, and I wondered how good could ever prevail in the world. Although I never doubted God’s goodness or love, I no longer felt sure of God’s hand in the world - did God ever intend to intervene in our lives?
At some point, in the midst of it all, my prayers became more like angry rants and expressions of hopelessness and confusion. I felt I was in a spiritual wasteland, alienated from God, much like Adam and Eve after they were banished from Eden.
But God always comes looking for us, no matter what state we’re in. We see it in the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve turned away from God in fear after eating the forbidden fruit. God came looking for them not to punish them, but to reconnect. God always moves toward us to reestablish relationship with us.
Nothing can keep God from us: not sin, not evil, not even our own turning away. Even when we move away, no matter the reason, God always calls out to us, offering love and connection.
So recently, when I admitted to someone I don’t know how to pray for my mom, I told her instead of using words, I picture being with my mom, holding her in love, being present to her, aware of her need.
I realized when I do this, it feels holy. It feels like God is there with me in that pictured space. It feels like prayer.
In admitting this out loud that day, it suddenly felt okay that the way I had always engaged in prayer had shifted. It was okay that I had felt anger and despair, anxiety and anguish. And it was okay for me to show up in all of those emotional states, honest, in front of God.
Ranting, crying out, questioning. Raw.
It was like finding God again, or maybe, God found me; I’m not sure which. But I felt sure God was calling out to connect with me in the midst of my mess… reorienting me to Love.
God always comes looking for us. No matter what.
Sharon Beattie is a master’s student studying writing and spiritual direction. She loves learning new things, and full of anticipation with what’s to come. She is profoundly grateful to be wife to Mark, mama of five, grammie of two, and beloved of God. Sharon can be reached at bydesign.sharon@gmail.com.