Realignment

“Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows.” - Isaiah 53:4

Not long after David’s memorial service, a church cancelled me saying, “She needs to get her faith back in alignment.” I was to be their keynote speaker this fall, but after watching my son’s memorial service and hearing my lament, they felt it best to check with their elders and together decided cancelling me was best. 

I’m choosing to believe it was their kindness to me. She’s a grieving mom. She needs more time. Of course, I’d rather be the one to decide if and when I’m able to get back out on the speaking circuit after such a tragedy. I’m pretty in touch with my state of heart and mind, and even when I’m not, I have people around me who are watching out for me in that way.

Get my faith back in alignment. 

Yes, I suppose having your son die of colon cancer at 28 is enough to disorient your faith. Amazing how much you know when life is sweet. 

Surely, they didn’t mean the sorrow I displayed. Surely, they didn’t watch me speak at my son’s funeral and judge or assess whether I was – what? Sturdy enough? Strong enough? Parroting the correct language, something akin to, “For we know that in all things, God works together for the good...” Or “David belonged to Jesus, lived for Jesus and is now with the resurrected Jesus”? Was it that I didn’t give a clear gospel presentation at the funeral? Surely that’s not what triggered the “getting her faith back in alignment” feedback. 

I’m choosing to believe the best and not assume the worst of this church community. For the majority of the world the altered alignment of faith is pretty much par for the course. Life can be so hard for so many. And “experience doesn’t dictate theology, but it does inform it,” someone once wrote.

I need to get my faith back in alignment - in what ways, I wonder? Everything’s been ripped open and apart. The deepest grief and sorrow is now mine. Should I quickly stuff it all back in and secure a “spiritual” lid? Should my faith at this time – or any time for that matter – be contained and manageable? 

No. No, I don’t think so. How can you ever allow God to carry your grief and sorrows if you never acknowledge you have any? And if ever there were a time for grief and sorrow and messiness and stretching the boundaries of our faith, it’s when you lose a child!

So to any who feel your faith may be misaligned by the uncertainty and cruelty in this life. To you who feel you don’t quite get it. You who don’t have it all worked out. You who have questions and doubts and feel frequently misunderstood:

You’re the one I want to serve. It’s you.

You with the questions and disorientation. You with the passion for truth. You who have not had it quite so easy. You who have felt left out or tossed out, or who checked out. You. I see you and you are welcome here, no matter the state your faith might be in.

I’m real because God is so real.  ~Nancy