Just One of the Crowd

I identify with the Jewish crowds in the time of Jesus. 

You know, the ones who waved Him into Jerusalem with the palm branches on what we now call Palm Sunday. And the crowds who protested when it became clear that who they believed was Messiah, who the Jews believed would save them from Roman oppression, instead faced crucifixion. 

Yes, those crowds. I identify with them.

Twenty years ago, I had an experience with God. I had finally faced the truth about the impact my father’s abuse and his leaving our family had on my life - it mattered! The Holy Spirit then led me to Psalm 18 to show me how God had been, and continued, healing and saving me:

“The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the LORD;

I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice;

…The earth trembled and quaked…because he was angry.

Smoke rose from his nostrils; consuming fire came from his mouth…He parted the heavens and came down….he mounted the cherubim and flew….He shot his arrows and scattered the enemy….He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters.”

For over twenty years, that is how I depended on God. God shows up IN POWER.

But then. 

During David’s illness, I cried out to my God more than ever before on behalf of my son. I fasted and prayed and the elders at our church anointed him with oil. We believed God for His powerful healing. 

Some even prophesied: “Mother, you will not see your son in the grave.”

But my son was devoured by cancer and did, in fact, die.

I didn’t want a dying Messiah on a cross! I didn’t want a suffering savior acquainted with grief! I wanted YAHWEH IN POWER! I wanted my God to show up, as He’d done in my life before, and save my son.

I’m here to say, most honestly and humbly: I still feel sadness and disappointment with God almost daily. My relationship with God is transforming through continued grief. 

As we continue to move through the Lenten time of waiting and preparing, maybe you are like me. Maybe you recognize yourself in the Palm Sunday and Easter week crowd: those full of hope, and those with hopes dashed. 

I’m learning God will not be Who we want Him to be at any given time - He Is Who He Is and will do what He does.

A Prayer:

“God, I admit: I get swept up in the crowd. I want You to be different, too. You see my demands. Forgive me, I pray.  Thank you for loving me still. How kind you are, my God! In Jesus Name.”

Amen.