Changing Our Habits and Hang-ups Around Sex with Dr. Cheryl Sparks
Yep, we’re going there—we’re starting a brand-new series called Sex and the Whole Ball of Wax. Listen, we know “sex” is a loaded word for many, and in this series, we’re talking about a range of issues around sex. Here’s where we’re starting: can you remember what you were taught about sex growing up? How much of the information you received did you find helpful—and how much was plain wrong, or didn’t apply to you whatsoever? And how much of that information—the stuff you actually needed—was left out? Nancy sits down with one of her dearest friends, Dr. Cheryl Sparks, a counselor with extensive experience helping couples think through their habits and hang-ups around sex. With tenderness and vulnerability, Nancy and Cheryl talk through some of their earliest experiences with sex and how what they were—and weren’t—taught as kids and how that informed their actual experiences in the bedroom later as adults. They talk through the difficulty of switching from messages like “sex is bad” to “now that you’re married, charge ahead, sex goddess!” Cheryl gently helps us explore what it would look like to broaden our definitions around what’s “normal” and “successful” when it comes to sex, so that we can more easily experience the joys and intimacy the gift of sex can bring.
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Show Summary
Hi there, Nancy Hicks here. Welcome back to So What? Why It Matters.
I'm so glad you're here. As we start our fourth series, we're calling it Sex and the Whole Ball of Wax. Talk about a packed series. We have lots coming your way.
But to start, just think about this: when was the last time you heard solid teaching around sex?
Anyone who's ever spent any amount of time with me, been in my Bible class, has attended conferences where I've spoken, knows sex will likely come up. In fact, at one point the woman I'm interviewing today—who happens to be a dear, dear friend—thought that I might best serve Christians by becoming a sex therapist.
It really frustrates me that we often don't do this immense, powerful subject matter justice, so let's try. We're literally going to give it some air time to try and reclaim this phenomenal gift of God.
Let's get into our episode today.
We all remember how embarrassing it was to sit in sex ed in middle school or high school. We watched as the teachers fumbled through the lecture that told us the science and the anatomy behind sex. They didn't tell us about the emotional and the personal connections that come along with it. Or maybe they did tell us and it just didn't land when I was 13.
And then, as we took that very basic knowledge out of the classroom, most of us had absolutely no idea what to do with it when the time actually came for us to do it, especially if we came from homes where we may have been taught, “Don't have sex, don't have sex, you'll get a disease, you'll get pregnant.” Note to impressionable self: sex is bad. Except, of course, between a married couple.
Now, all of a sudden, we find ourselves married and we’re supposed to flip a switch and become uninhibited.
I bet all of that left you with as many questions and frustrations as it has me. And I bet you've thought, This seems unruly and confusing, I mean, how is it supposed to enhance my relationship? How does it form a bond between two people that wasn't necessarily there before? And how can it make our intimate relationships stronger? And what's the overarching purpose of this deed?
Now, I bet you might be chuckling or cringing just a bit as you think back and realize how little you actually knew about sex. Remember your first kiss? Whether or not you've actually had sexual intercourse, do you remember your first physical encounter that put you on the path that could have led to it?
So let's just lay it all out there. We're going to dive right into sex and how it impacts ourselves, our partners, and the health of our relationships.
Today we have the privilege of speaking with my dear friend, Dr. Cheryl Sparks. She is a licensed professional counselor and faculty member of Eastern University in the doctoral program for Marriage and Family Therapy.
Cheryl works with many different people. But for our focus today, she loves working with couples in pre- and post-marital counseling. She's going to walk us through how sex is an important part of any marriage and how so many of us are not prepared for sex when we finally get the green light.
Cheryl gives so much to her people. Her students are patients and family. I promise you, I've witnessed it and I am so honored to share what she had to say with you. So with all that said, please enjoy my conversation with my very, very dear friend Dr. Cheryl Sparks.
So What? Moments
Cheryl Sparks
Broaden the range of normalcy. See normal as a huge category, or broaden your criteria for success. What are you looking for? What's going to make this successful for the two of you? A short-term measure of success is: did you have fun? Were you together? Did you play? Did you experience pleasure? Great, that was a success. Sex can be a whole range of moods, and that's okay.
Nancy
Could you decide today that you and your partner will relax, soften the hard lines, and broaden the range of what you find acceptable? Explore that a bit. Maybe decide it's easier, for example, to talk about talking about sex with your mate, and begin to play together in some comfortable, relatable way.
Thought-Provoking Quotes
“It's like they gave me the title and the last page and nothing in between. And I was left to try to figure a lot of it out.” - Cheryl Sparks, on her sex education growing up
“The guard rails are really around how to please God, they didn't seem to be that concerned about teaching me how to please myself, or please my husband. And to me, in retrospect, I think there was a lot of anxiety on their part about that—anxiety about how to keep people from sexual sin.” - Cheryl Sparks, on her sex education from the church
“I think we all have this sneaking suspicion that we're not actually lovable, that we're not actually worthy of the adoration of our partner.” - Cheryl Sparks
“Life satisfaction—and in particular, sexual satisfaction—plummets during those young parenting years. And I want you to hear me: that's normal. Give yourself some grace.” - Cheryl Sparks
“If you're not feeling confident in your body, if you're not feeling positive about your body, it's a lot harder to want to be willing to open up to your sexuality in the moment.” - Cheryl Sparks
“It's okay to look at your body, use a mirror, take a look and expand your idea of what normal is and what beautiful is. Just learn to be accepting and kind and comfortable to your own body.” - Cheryl Sparks
“It's always possible to start with a fresh slate, and to say no to shame, and to say no to other people's expectations.” - Cheryl Sparks
“Sex can be a whole range of moods. And that's okay.” - Cheryl Sparks
Where to Find Cheryl